TRIGGER WARNING (selfharm, ana thoughts)!!!
since my panic attack I am often apathetic again...
previously I often was apathetic and it comes back.
I just wanna cut and yah I know that I will do it again- maybe today. I wanna starve and be skinny, feel good.
for 2-3 hours the last episodes of club der roten bänder (red band society germany) started and yah (spoiler) Leo died.
this series built some hope, but now it is gone again or so, I'm not sure...but it doesn't feel good and yah.
I feel bad.
and I wanna cry and scream and through things away so they get broken and then I want to break down crying and fall asleep. I wanna cut myself deeply, so that the blood want stop the way out. I wanna see how my tears get mixed with my blood and my eyes and my arms, the blood, the scars. I feel the tears on my cheek and it feels liken drowning in it. I get tired but my heart beats fast, I asleep. I wanna take to much pills but not because I wanna die, no, becaue I wanna to feel numb.