Today I cried my eyes out with one of my parents about being transgender and my constant internal frustration i've felt ever since I started questioning my gender at approx 13 years old.
I think alot of people have this misguided concept in their minds (even I did) that once you start HRT (hormone replacement therapy) that immediately your discomfort and self hatred just evaporates after a couple weeks, i've painfully learnt this isn't the case.
I think after 4 months on HRT I truly expected to feel worlds different, look worlds different and be whisked up and taken far away from my gut wrenching masculine reminders.
People tell me often that i'm "so feminine" and "you look like a girl already!" "My friend thought u were female when I showed them your photos." but let me tell you, after 4 months on hormones, I feel only a slither closer to who I want to be as female. Looking in the mirror, even now after starting hormones still all I see is a boy who's very uncomfortable. I know that the day will come where I won't feel that way, but every day trying to battle and push down these feelings is like being stabbed in the stomach. Being patient is so so hard but I know I simply have to keep holding on. I really feel that people around me, old friends, current friends; just assume i'm okay and coping because i've gotten so good at putting on a winged liner and just making jokes and sort of distracting myself and completely IGNORING my feelings. But, my hormonal changes have forced so many feelings out which made me cry so hard today. In the past I had friends in my life who I thought genuinely cared and understood my gender struggles only to have them cut me out of their lives or talk shit about me, all these feelings of hurt and betrayal just seem to be resurfacing mixed with feelings of not knowing who truly understands what i'm going thru every day. Because I understand completely, if you're not trans and you're happy in your gender; how could you possibly understand. I trust and have faith in a higher power that i'll learn to love myself. But don't always assume ppl are okay.