strength, wholeness, letting go. these were today’s lessons. i can honestly say i never felt further from any of these. we were asked to choose something we want to let go. my first thought: being without him. these were the first two memories that appeared. they haunted me as we made our way through the day. they followed me home. a darkness in the darkness. i realized that i have a long way to go until i can become strong and whole. but i don’t want to let go. not of the pain. pain is the only way he still feels real to me. @teddysphotos once said: “a broken heart is a heart that’s been loved.” these memories made me feel broken, but they remind me of why it breaks me. they remind me of our love. he was my strength, he was my wholeness, and i can’t let go. these were those memories. last Christmas of him singing his Christmas song: “Jingle Bells.” my last hour with him. knowing this was how i will always see him.