I need to start exercising more again. The way I was in tenth grade. I need to add more workouts on top of my track practices and make sure I add in extra workouts when winter track ends because we have about a month off between winter and spring and I need to make sure I burn as much as I do during track and I need to lose a lot by my Disney trip NEED TO I will be thinner during my trip.
Today I ate enough for bout 3 family's and I wish I could burn myself alive. I took last which will hopefully kick in, in the next day or two. Also I seriously can't get that girl's words out of my mind.
It's not necessarily making me more triggered? It just added another voice to my group of negative voices?
Idk Idk Idk she makes me so mad. I wanna say I hate her but I can't because I don't hate anyone except myself and it's my fault for being a fat pig and I'm such a loser that I don't even blame her anymore.
It's all true and I know it . It just hurts hearing it from another person.
I just want to be thin.
I can't help thinking that when I'm finally thin/at my goal weight I'll be able to be "happy" and do more things and be more confident. But honestly I know I'll still be depressed and have immense anxiety and be sad and hate myself and still have the ed thoughts and not much will change but how others view me from afar but I just need something to hold onto I guess... some false hope.
I feel so sick and sad and tired and still zoning out. I wish it would stop because I can't grasp onto reality and it's so weird and stressful and I just want it to stop.
I just wanna be tiny I just wanna be tiny I can't. It hurts so bad. I just want to be at my goal weight already. Please please please. I hate myself so friken much #mentalillness#mentalhealth#tired#eatingdisorder#ednos#restrict#restricting#panicdisorder#anxiety#bingeeatingdisorder#vegan#ihatemyself#killme#pig#ugly#lonely#sad#sadness#depression#fat#drawing