I’m adamant about not taking photos not because I don’t like them but because I literally don’t know what to do. I can’t pose, I get all insecure, and generally feel like a selfie is the best move so I don’t feel crazy. Somehow @asiyami_gold just came up and through my life here in Johannesburg and beyond a connection that’s been super awesome to build, she has captured some of the best images of me I’ve ever seen. It’s wonderful to have a friend that makes you feel beautiful. Thank you boo.
@mims.travels “Somehow you’ll escape,
All the waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places,
Where Boom Bands are playing.”
- Dr. Seuss (Oh, The places you’ll go!)
Don’t get stuck in The Waiting Place!
This is how I feel today. So drained. I'm in the wound. Something happens and then you're in the wound.. The wound is triggered.. lit up and all consuming. I'm noticing more what triggers it. I just wish I was bomb proof. I'm so fucking sensitive. I act all distant and blasé but really that's just dissociation. Leaving my body. I'm good at being outside myself. Ive heard people say cold hands.. Warm heart and warm hands.. Well you get it. I interpret that as having warm hands because your soul/spirit/heart is floating outside like a balloon you carry around and the tether to your body goes through your hands. Who knows. All I do know is that compounded trauma/complex PTSD/childhood trauma leads to an ability to go out of body. Which is really maybe a gift.. Some people work really hard to be able to go out of body and soul travel through the Astral plane. It seems like a perfectly reasonable reaction to pain.. to flight.
Also i totally bought this hat in little kid mode.. Never wear it.. I need to find it another home.
Also my body has fully reverted to "female" shape.. trying to be okay with that. I just don't want to take another man made drug. I'll always be soft. I reject gender. I smash gender. I say fuck gender. Fuck the patriarchy. For me taking T felt like reinforcing all that I despise.. the binary.. I hated the feeling of male privilege.. I felt like a sell out. Male and female are both fucked identities.. Worn out and chewed up.. Not really something I want to have put on me.. Not what I want to wear or align myself with. #drained#wound#heavy#checkout#outofbody#complexptsd#soultravel#warmhands#coldheart#nonbinary#fuckgender