Without fail, the latest interaction with family was exhausting. An argument that went on for two hours, and possibly longer had I not stood my ground, said enough was enough and ended it there. For nearly two years now, and the primary reason why I opened this Instagram account as a private vent space, I have had to push for the same understanding, that things needed to change. But today, we are still circling the same issues as we have for months, and if I count from the beginning, a decade and half ago.
What has been resolved? Nothing. The attitudes are still the same, they face the same pitfalls. Sure, my distance here helps buffer the effects of it all, but in return it persists as a heavy burden of guilt. Guilt from a choice to step back, from being away, from choosing to not participate in the madness that this family has evolved into. Have I not abandoned them, in doing that? To save myself. Shielding myself, shielding Ryan, shielding my mother.. to preserve a space for him and I, our own personal pocket of the vaguest shade of normalcy, untainted by nightmares like this, today.